Getting to Know Your Home - 009 Responsibilities In Marriage

Three Aspects of The Roles Between Husband and Wife

It has been explained until now that the purpose of man in general, and the Jewish home specifically, is to reveal echad, “oneness”. All aspects of marriage – and on a broader scale, all aspects of our life – exist so that we can reveal a state of unity within Creation. Now we will try to learn about another facet of marriage, in which the goal is also to reveal echad.

It is written, “It is good for a man to bear a burden in his youth”.[1] Chazal said that this is referring to the ol ishah, the husband’s responsibility to carry his wife[2]. The wife is called עול, ol, a “yoke”, whom he must carry.

On a deeper note, the word עול, “ol” can also be read על, “al”, “on”, implying something which is placed “on” the person and thus “above” the person. Thus, the fact that the wife is called an “ol” upon the husband is only one side to the coin; there is another side to the coin here, which we will explain.

Marriage between man and woman is compared to the relationship between the Creator and His Creations; in particular, with the Jewish people. It is written, “Open for me, my sister, my friend, my dove, my wholesome one.”[3] The Midrash[4] compares this relationship to a king who had an only daughter, whom he loved very much, and he would call her ‘My daughter’. He loved her so much that he then called her ‘My sister’, and then he loved her so much that he called her ‘My mother’.

The depth behind this matter is that in every relationship between two sides, there are always three possible ways to relate: (1) When they are both of equal status; (2) When one of them is ‘above’ the other one in status, (3) And vice versa.

In marriage as well, there are three different aspects of the relationship between husband and wife.

There is an aspect of both of them being equal status. We find a hint to this from the concept of ben sorer u’moreh (the wayward child), who is only punished if his father and mother have the “same” voice, appearance, and height.[5] (There is an argument in the Gemara if it ever happened in history). So we find a concept of the husband and wife being the “same”; similar to the concept of “Two kings, who are both wearing one crown.”[6]

However, we find an opposite concept from this as well. After the sin of Adam and Chavah, the curse that woman received was “And he shall rule over you.” For this reason, the husband is called “baal”, from the world “al”, for he is “above” the wife, in certain aspects. When someone is a “baal” over his money, it means he is in charge of his money. A baalim\owner is someone who is al\above what he owns, thus he is in charge of it.

Then we find a third possibility in marriage, in which woman is “above” the man. It is written about woman, “A woman of valor, is a crown to her husband.”[7] A crown is placed above the head, as we know. Being that woman is called the ‘crown’ of her husband, there is an aspect of the wife being “above” the husband.

So we have identified three possibilities that exist in the relationship between spouses: An aspect in which they are both equal to each other, an aspect in which the husband is above the wife, and an aspect in which the wife is above the husband.

When it comes to the aspect of the husband being above the wife – “And he shall rule over you” – this is the opposite of the concept of “ol”, because “ol” implies that the wife is above the husband [and that is why he must bear her as a responsibility upon him]. From the perspective of “ol”, it is the wife who is “above” the husband.

Let us try to understand what these concepts will imply.

If Husband and Wife Are Of Different Status, How Can They Unify?

Adam and Chavah, in their original state, where unified. “Man woman He created them, and He blessed them, and He called their names, “adam (man).” When man and woman were originally one, they were of equal status; neither of them was ‘above’ the other, for they were one.

After the separation that was created from sin, if they would have returned to their original state of “one flesh”, there would be no concept of higher or lower status between them. But once they viewed themselves as separate entities, as opposed to a unified existence, it created the possibility of each of them being ‘above’ [or below] the other.

Thus, in all marriages, there are three aspects. The inner aspect is the unified, “equal” status that they share. The outer aspect of marriage is the possibility of either the husband being above the wife, or of the wife being above the husband.

The inner point of the bond, in which they are of equal status, clearly allows for unity between them. But the external aspect of the marriage – the fact that they are different from each other, two separate beings - seems to be an obstacle to prevent their unity.

The purpose of marriage is to for husband and wife to reveal the state of echad between them; this makes sense when viewed from the “equal” status they both share. The fact that there is this “equal” status deep down is obviously the great catalyst that leads to echad. But in fact, even the external aspect of the relationship, which is their different status, can also serve to bring them to echad.

There is a statement in Chazal, “From the wound itself, comes the recovery.” The damaged aspect of the marriage is the fact that they are two separate beings, the fact that one of them can be ‘above’ the other at different times; it seems to totally prevent the idea of unity between husband and wife. Yet, it is those differences, which contain a great spiritual light that can enable them to reach the state of echad.

We will need to understand this of course: How it is that their difference in status can serve to unify them?

Bearing The Yoke of Marriage: The Way To Arrive At Intrinsic Love

“It is good for mean to bear a yoke in his youth” – Chazal said that is referring to the ‘yoke of marriage’. Man has to bear his wife as a ‘yoke’ placed upon him, which places her ‘above’ him, in this sense. On the other hand, woman has to deal with “And he shall rule over you”, and in this sense, she bears her husband as a ‘yoke’ upon her whom she must accept.

How can the ol (yoke) of marriage bring husband and wife to become unified?

As we mentioned in the past, there are three layers of love in marriage: ahavas hashoneh (love for differences), ahavas hadomeh (love for similarities), and ahavas etzem (intrinsic love). The external kinds of love, ahavas hashoneh and ahavas hadomeh, have one thing in common: they are both loves about what I find comfortable (in similar attraction, I love the other because he\she is similar to, thus more enjoyable, and with opposite attraction, I love the other’s differences because it completes what I don’t have, which is also enjoyable). Those kinds of love are the opposite of the concept of “ol”, [because “ol” is to bear the burden of responsibility, whether you find it comfortable or not.]

“Ol” cannot be accomplished through either ahavas hadomeh or ahavas hashoneh. If I am accepting the responsibility of bearing the yoke that marriage is, I am not doing so because it’s enjoyable or refreshingly challenging to do so. The ability of “ol” [bearing responsibility] is the power in the soul to deal with something even when it is not comfortable for me to do so.

It seems that “ol” is nothing but a burden upon us, something which we have to endure. After all, when we say that people “throw off the ‘ol (yoke) of Torah and mitzvos’, it is because they felt too restricted by the “ol” of the Torah, so they did not want it.

However, there is a deeper understanding of “ol”. The possuk says that “it is good for man to bear a yoke (ol) in his youth”, because if a person were to only connect with things that he finds enjoyable, that would mean that he does not connect to things which he doesn’t find enjoyable, and then he would have no concept of connecting to something on an intrinsic level. He would only know of love for similarities (ahavas hadomeh) or love for differences (ahavas hashoneh), so all of his connections would be completely based on various circumstances, and never intrinsic (etzem).

How, indeed, can a person each ahavas etzem (intrinsic love)?It is by accepting any given situation as it is, no matter what price will come along with it; whether it’s refreshing or whether it’s challenging, whether it’s a big responsibility or a small one. By always being willing to connect, through being willing to bear the “ol”\yoke [of being responsible towards our spouse], we are able to bring ourselves closer to revealing ahavas etzem.

As long as a person has not yet reached the ability to accept a given situation as it is, and he can only work hard when he finds it to be refreshing or enjoyably challenging, then he doesn’t gain the resilience to handle the responsibilities of life. Anything he does enjoy and love doing is subject to change; once he stops enjoying what he’s doing, he slackens off from being responsible towards that thing.

Without the ability of “ol”, a person is not able to be loyal and firm towards what he is connected to. He will only connect to things that he finds comfortable and enjoyable. And since those things can always change, he will not always find everything to be comfortable, and his love falls away with that.

But when a person reveals the power in the soul of “ol” – to accept something as it is – he gains the power of loyal connection to something. He will be able to remain connected to what he is responsible for, no matter how uncomfortable it gets. This is because “ol” gives a person the power to always be connected. From there, a person can reach intrinsic love towards that which he strives to be connected to.

Responsibility Vs. Comfort and Pleasure

It is written, “Man was born to toil”,[8] and this began after the sin; before the sin, man was not born to “toil”. Man’s original task was to stay in Gan Eden, and all he had to was to “work it” and “protect it” – there was no hard work required. There was no work, but it wasn’t hard work.

To illustrate, compare this to a person walking to a wedding; he comes to the hall sweating from walking there. But he enjoyed walking there, because he is going to a wedding. His exertion to get there cannot be called hard work, for he was happy to do so.

The work which we see in our times is hard work, but there is a kind of work which does not involve hard work. An example of hard work is like what went on in Egyptian slavery, that the men were given women’s labor and the women were given men’s labor. When a person does something that is natural for him to do, such as an artist painting a picture, he can do so for 10 hours straight yet not feel like he is working hard. He is working, but he is not working hard.

When Adam and Chavah were originally in Gan Eden, they were naturally connected with each other, and there was no concept of “ol” yet. There was no need for “ol”. They had ahavas etzem with each other.

When they had to leave Gan Eden, their love became external, on the level of ahavas hadomeh (love for similarities) and ahavas hashoneh (love for differences). This was a result of eating from the Eitz HaDaas, when they sought something that was both appealing and different. Ever since then, in order to get back to the level of ahavas etzem (intrinsic love), we need to go through “ol” [accepting responsibility in marriage]: as it is written of the tribe Yissocher, “And he rested his shoulder in order to endure.”

Our very nature is that we are drawn towards what’s comfortable and pleasant for us; towards the things we love. 99% of people pursue what’s comfortable. One who learns Torah might also be drawn towards seeking only what’s more ‘comfortable’ for him to learn, perhaps bringing proof to this from the statement in Chazal, “A person does not learn Torah except in a place where his heart desires.” All of a person’s life is centered around what he desires and enjoys.

Although there are such statements in Chazal that pleasure is necessary, that is true only if pleasure as seen as a part of life, not all of life. We were not born to only suffer and endure, but neither were we born to only have pleasure. (In the next chapter, with Hashem’s help, we will define the role of pleasure in life and in marriage).

A person ends up suffering when he can only connect with ‘love for similarities’ and ‘love for [minimal] differences’, because when the time comes that he will be placed in a situation that’s not comfortable, he won’t be able to handle it.

The purpose of marriage, as we have explained, is to reach the intrinsic point between husband and wife. The way to get there is through getting used to accepting situations as they are, without trying to change the situation. In fact, it is to let go of any desire to change the situation. It is for one to say, “I am accepting the situation given to me, as it is, and I will not try to change it.”

We have described here a very deep and subtle concept.

True Freedom Is Reached Through Keeping Limits

The concept of “ol” – bearing the yoke of responsibility – is a theme that runs commonly throughout all of our life. “Man is born to toil.” It is especially true in marriage; as we have explained earlier, both husband and wife have to bear the other as a ‘yoke’ (“ol”) upon them. The husband must bear the burden of marriage upon him, and the wife must bear the fact that her husband is in charge.

However, the responsibilities of marriage are only a part of the marriage; it isn’t everything. We can all understand that a person cannot work for 24 hours, for 7 days a week. We have six days of the week for labor, and a seventh day for Shabbos, where we do not work. So too, our soul requires both aspects – to work, as well as the ability to “not” work. [Soon we will explain what this will imply].

But although this is true, we must understand that our responsibilities in life, which limit us and restrain us, are essential for our survival. Without accepting responsibilities, a person can only connect with situations that are to his liking or if they are refreshingly challenging; if it is neither of these, he doesn’t feel responsible.

In extreme cases of this problem, there are parents who cannot handle raising a child who is handicapped in any way, so they leave him in the street, Heaven forbid. This is a dramatic example of what happens when a person only enjoys what he’s comfortable with.

With “love for similarities” or “love for differences” alone, a person never arrives at the intrinsic level of connection to another. Intrinsic love for a spouse is only reached when a person is ready to accept responsibilities in life; that is what enables him to love his spouse on an intrinsic level.

Thus, it is the ability of “ol” (bearing the yoke of responsibility)that is needed in order for a person to reach ahavas etzem (intrinsic love).

The Will For Freedom

The deep essence of our soul is a place of freedom, where there are no limitations. (We can’t live in that place totally, however).  In order to reach our essence, we can only get there through first accepting the limitations we need in our life.

The big mistake that many people make is that they are seeking freedom from limitations, which is actually a deep power that comes from the soul, and are using this power in the wrong place. We will explain what this is.

We see that the world enjoys vacations. Vacations are about going free from the normal constraints of life. In essence, vacations are not a bad thing. They are actually a good thing, when they are not overdone. But there is a very big mistake people make about vacations.

The need for vacation really comes from a deep desire in our soul to reach the Endless. Deep down, we all want to go free from our human limitations and soar into the endlessness of the Divine. We wish to reach a place of endlessness, where there are no limits anymore, where nothing is holding us back from anything. This is a deep desire in our soul, and it is proper and holy, but the problem is when people don’t realize that they are using it for the wrong reasons.

Compare this to the following. Imagine if a man walks into the house and sees his wife cooking in the kitchen. He smells the aroma of the supper cooking, and it smells very good to him, so he quickly takes some food from the pot and eats it. He doesn’t even bother to see if it’s cooked or not. He has a desire for the food, he wants to eat it, and now. Not only hasn’t he eaten real food, but he will get a stomachache from it. Just because the food gave off a good aroma doesn’t mean he should eat it now! He has to wait until the food is fit for consumption.

The lesson we want to take out from this is as follows. The good ‘aroma’ which vacations give off is certainly coming from a true place. It is coming from the desire of the soul to reach the Endlessness of G-d, where there are no restraints. We came from that place of endlessness, and it is upon us to return to there. But the way to return to that place of ‘no boundaries’ is precisely through the boundaries which we are given.

When the desire for the endless is misunderstood, it becomes a desire to break the rules that are necessary for us to keep. When a person doesn’t understand his need for freedom, he will come to use it in the wrong places, breaking all the rules, until he uproots all of the Torah, G-d forbid. After that, he’ll dismiss all decent human behavior, because he has no rules anymore. He feels that his need for freedom must be expressed, being that he recognizes this deep need of the soul, but he has twisted it around for evil purposes. It becomes a false ideology in his life.

It came from a good place in himself, but it was used in the wrong place! He has realized the need for freedom and he is adamant that it be expressed. If such a person were to see his small son drinking something that is dangerous for him, according to his line of thinking, he should really say, “Why not? His freedom needs to be expressed!”

Every power is fine only when used in its proper place. The desire itself to enjoy freedom is a good desire, and it is a true need we have, and perhaps we can even say that it is the deepest of all our needs. But when it becomes used by the physical body, or by the lower layers in our soul which are closer to physicality, this deep desire for freedom will become misinterpreted and misused. Some people will use it as an excuse to go on a trip outside Israel and make money, and some do worse things.

The need for freedom comes from our soul, and it is meant to be used with our soul, not our body. Our body needs toil.

Of course, the body should not either become stifled, and it also requires a bit of freedom from restraints. But the point is that a person first needs to identify where his need for freedom is coming from. It does not come from the body – it comes from the soul.

That being the case, we are not able to survive on just ahavas hadomeh (“love for similarities”) and ahavas hashoneh (“love for differences”) alone. We need the harmonious blend of both freedom and limitations, and that is how we reach ahavas etzem.

Keeping Limits Can Bring Us To The Unlimited

When the need for freedom becomes used by the physical body, it manifests as either love for similarities or love for differences, which we spoke of.

This mixes together two opposing powers and creates a contradiction: the need for freedom, which is to go free from constraints, being used by the body, which requires constraints in order to survive. The physical body in us needs to be restrained by certain limits; our body cannot withstand everything, therefore, it needs limits so that it will not go too far and be harmed.

Therefore, if a person tries to bring the power of the unlimited into his body - which is limited by its very nature – he has damaged the entire structure of his body.

Our soul, itself, has the power to reach the unlimited, to have no limits. Our body, though, needs limits. Therefore, limits allow our body to be protected, and through keeping those limits, we are enabled to reach the essence of the soul, in which there are no limits. How? It is because limits enable us to accept something as it is, without trying to change it. This gives us the power to reach the intrinsic level of love for our spouse, and to go beyond the level of love for similarities and love for differences.

This is really the message behind the 365 negative commandments of the Torah: to accept rules. The question is: how can keeping to limits bring us to the unlimited, when these are clearly two opposing concepts? We can understand that the 248 positive mitzvos bring us to Endlessness, because by doing actions, they allow us to expand endlessly. But how do the 365 negative commandments help us reach the Endlessness, when they clearly restrain us and don’t let us expand?

According to what we have explained here, it actually works the opposite way. It is through the very limitations we keep to – being ready to accept our given situations, no matter what price comes along with it – that we can go beyond the level of love for similarities and differences, which reveals the ability of unrestrained spiritual light, the essence of the soul.

Bearing The Yoke of Responsibility: Acceptance of a Situation, “As It Is”

Now let’s think how this concept will apply to marriage.

The reality is, that there is no such thing as a home in which we do not feel opposition towards our responsibilities. However, what we need to realize is that these responsibilities are necessary for us. If a person does not have the ability to bear responsibilities, we can compare this to a farmer who plants on unfertile ground. In whatever he plants, the water will come and wash away anything he has planted, and nothing will remain of his work.

What is the ‘spark of truth’ which we need to start out with so that we can build our marriage? The rule is, “from shelo lishmah (ulterior motivations), comes lishmah (pure motives)”; however, even in the beginning stage, when we are involved with shelo lishmah, there must always be a spark of lishmah accompanying it. We explained earlier that from ahavas hashoneh (love for differences) and ahavas hadomeh (love for similarities), we can eventually come to reveal ahavas etzem for our spouse, but we must have reveal at least a little bit of ahavas etzem already at the start.

What is the etzem (intrinsic point) which we need to reveal to start with? It is the ability to accept something as it is!

To work on this practically, each person should take one thing in his home which bothers him, and accept its reality, with no attempt at trying to oppose it.

This won’t be accomplished just through refraining from mentioning it to the spouse (and definitely not through the worse option, through actively fighting about it, chas v’shalom). The point is to take one thing in the home that bothers you and to come to terms of acceptance with it, and to feel towards it, “I accept it as it is.” By getting used to this power of acceptance, a person can reach the etzem, the ‘intrinsic’ aspect, of marriage.

Hashem loves the Jewish people, even at a time when “they are not doing His will.” Although the relationship with Hashem suffers when we sin, Hashem still has a love for us, accepting us as we are. So too, with regards to us, when we want to reveal the deep point in our soul of ahavas etzem (intrinsic love) for our spouse, there is only one fundamental way to do it: by uncovering the ability to be able to accept something, as it is.

Let us emphasize again that we cannot live with this perspective 100%. It is impossible for a person to live with nothing but accepting boundaries in his life, for it would deny any sense of freedom in the person, and this would be too emotionally draining. But the other extreme is also detrimental: if a person has 100% freedom from boundaries, this is an improper way of living, and we can see in our times what results from this “no restrictions” attitude towards raising children.

A person is hopeless in life if he is raised with no boundaries. Perhaps the soul is fine if we don’t place any boundaries on it, but the physical body which we possess cannot be trained to live properly if it has never gotten used to boundaries. (There is a deep point in our soul which connects to the Endless, where there are no limitations, and that part of ourselves is disassociated from any boundaries; but as for the rest of the parts in our soul, which are not bound with the Endless, there must be rules to keep to; “fear of Heaven upon them.”)[9]

Thus, it should be clear that marriage gives us the opportunity to accept boundaries, which is a basic and necessary power. This is not merely another ‘side point’ to be aware of; it is essential. The less a person has acquired the ability to accept boundaries, he won’t be able to reach intrinsic love towards his spouse.

The Joy In Accepting Boundaries

Therefore, we can view our responsibilities in life with this fundamental change of perspective.

When a person recognizes that there are certain responsibilities of life, there are two possible reactions he might have. One way he might react is by feeling opposing towards it – “like a child running away from school.” Indeed, when a person first begins to bear responsibility, he would rather not have it. But there is a kind of responsibility a person bears which he can find enjoyable to keep to.

Although we derive pleasure from our soul’s power to go free from constraints, and this pleasure of the unlimited is what can spring us on to seek the Endless, there is also a kind of pleasure we can derive from keeping to limits. It is the ability to accept something as it is, without wishing we could change it.

This is not simply a pleasure derived from the fact that there are limitations. It is rooted in Endlessness: the light of the Endless does not oppose anything, for all is contained in it. This is the secret behind boundaries as well.

It seems that there is no pleasure to be derived from having boundaries, and that pleasure can only be received from a feeling of freedom.  But when a person realizes (first in his mind and then to internalize with his heart) that boundaries are necessary for his survival, he will find that he can actually derive life-giving vitality from those boundaries.

There is a statement in Chazal, “Even if they were to abandon Me, at least My Torah they keep” – through studying the Torah, the light in it [of the Torah] will return them to good.”[10] How does keeping the Torah ensure that a person will be good? The depth of this matter is that through keeping the Torah, boundaries are created, and the person accepts those boundaries as they are; through that, a person connects to the essence of the Torah, where the Creator is revealed. By connecting to that point, a person derives pleasure from the very boundaries he is keeping to – he enjoys the ol\yoke.

Marriage Enables Boundaries

A wife is called chomah, “wall”, by our Sages[11]; this is based on the possuk, “Woman surrounds man.”[12] What is the meaning of this?

We can see this in physical terms: a single man, unmarried, has no surroundings to hold him in any given place. A boy, before he gets married, is free to roam wherever he wants, with almost no boundaries. One day he gets married, and now he finds that he cannot go anywhere he wants. This happens to every single man who gets married, and some have it more, while others have it less: he suddenly finds himself restricted. There are now responsibilities, he is tied to another’s schedule, and he cannot always leave the house.

Many newlyweds find the beginning of marriage to be very hard, when they realize that they cannot go anywhere whenever they want anymore, and it feels imprisoning. A boy before he got married was used to going various places, whenever he wanted; there were no boundaries placed on him, for the most part. Suddenly, there are boundaries upon him, which obligate him to stay where he is.

But the true perspective to view this situation is, to realize that boundaries are necessary in our life - in order for us to reach the Endless (the “EinSof”[13]). One way of how we reach the Endless is by uncovering our own endlessness that is deep within the soul, while the other side of the coin in reaching the Endless is to accept the limitations placed on our physical body.

The boundaries placed on our body are really what enable us to survive. When Hashem created the world, He first made a contraction (tzimtzum) in Himself, so to speak, to allow for space to make the Creation. In terms of practical relevance for us, being that we have an avodah to come to “resemble” Hashem (“hevay domeh lo” – “You shall resemble Him”), in order to reach the EinSof it is upon us to “contract” ourselves, as it were, by setting boundaries for ourselves. We need the boundaries which Hashem has already built into Creation, and we need physical boundaries as well – the rules of life which we recognize.

Boundaries allow our souls to thrive. When we have proper boundaries, we are contained, and we can enjoy the security of being stable and contained by the boundaries and limits which we do not cross.

When the Jewish people received the Torah, Hashem placed the mountain in the air on top of them so that they would acquiesce[14]. The Rishonim asked: why was this necessary? Didn’t they already say “Naaseh V’Nishmah” (We will do, and we will hear), which showed that they accepted the Torah willingly? Why was it necessary to now force them? There are several answers, but the answer that is along the lines of our discussion is, that their first acceptance of the Torah was to accept limitations placed upon them by the Torah. Now that they had accepted the Torah’s rules, their physical bodies could become purified and rectified.

Without purifying oneself already on this world, the body is rectified only through death, where it decays and becomes spread out into the dust of the earth that it came from [except for the “luz” bone]. But with tzaddikim, their bodies stay intact, as is well-known. Why is it that they merit this? It is because they succeeded in rectifying their body already on this world, by keeping to the Torah’s boundaries so well; therefore, their body need not undergo the process of decay in order to become rectified.

Bearing Responsibility: The Root of A Vibrant Home

All of this describes a very deep perspective on life, and it can affect the way we actually live our life as well.

Every person has many responsibilities – in life in general, and in marriage especially. We are familiar with all our chores we need to do. And when the family gets bigger with more children, Baruch Hashem, the responsibilities only increase, and the burden of the home becomes heavier.

How can we view the burden of responsibility in our home? On one hand, a burden tests our strength and causes us to groan about it; “A groan breaks half the body”.[15] At the same time, however, the responsibility of bearing the yoke of the home is an opportunity for you to receive a great, inner, spiritual light.

Chazal said that a groan breaks half the body, which resembles death, because the Gemara says, “What is the difference to me if it is entirely dead or half dead?”[16] So it feels like a degree of death. But on the other hand, a person can receive life-giving vitality from these responsibilities, because these responsibilities place boundaries in his life, and a person needs those boundaries in order to live properly.

There seems to be a contradiction. On one hand, it is written, “See life with the woman whom you love”,[17] and this implies that a person derives an enjoyable kind of life-giving vitality from bring married. On the other hand, Chazal said that “It is good for man to bear a burden in his youth” that this refers to the bearing the yoke of marriage, which implies that marriage is mainly about burden, not pleasure. So the basic question we need to ask is: Is the home\marriage a source of life-giving vitality to us, which is pleasure – or is it a place to endure responsibility?

The answer is, that the ‘ol’ (yoke) of marriage is not referring to a ‘yoke’ you place on a donkey or cow, which is a burden. The yoke of marriage is what can be a very source of vitality to a person! Through the yoke of marriage, the physical body is able to achieve its rectification.

The relationship between husband and wife is an emotional relationship, but it also includes the physical. Unlike other interpersonal relationships we have, in which the physical aspect is a much weaker aspect in the relationship, marriage makes heavy use of the physical aspect[18]. The deep reason for this is because the physical body is rectified only when we keep to its boundaries.

But if we were to view life as being solely about pleasure, on one hand this would feel like freedom, but it would be an escape from the proper boundaries which we need, and ultimately detrimental in the long run.

When we learn how to receive enjoyment from the fact that there are certain rules and limitations in our life, the home can then succeed. Sometimes, situations arise in which the home feels very stressful, and it becomes too much to bear, and in such a case, it is not practical to try and derive enjoyment from the responsibilities. But generally speaking, the responsibilities of running the home are needed for the home, and they can provide us with life-giving vitality.

The Shechinah In The Home: Meriting The Infinite Light of Hashem Upon Our Existence

When a person learns to accept the responsibilities that boundaries place on him, he merits a true and deep kind of freedom of his soul.

The ohr Ein Sof (the Infinite Light of Hashem) must ultimately be brought into one’s soul and penetrate, and it must also be allowed to spread onto the physical body as well. As long as a person has not yet learned how to accept the idea of responsibility – kabalas ol – then the Infinite Light of Hashem will only go so far as his soul, but it will not penetrate into his body.

It will feel like a massive, inner contradiction: he will try to shine the light of the soul upon the body by seeking to escape the body’s limits, and what will happen from this is that he will come to throw off all yoke of responsibility altogether. We see this unfortunately taking place in our times, very often. It was also a problem in previous generations, but it was much less common in those times.

But when the soul is given some space to roam free, and the person also makes sure along with this to keep to the body’s limits, and he is enjoying keeping the rules because he understands how important it is to keep to rules and limitations, it is then that a person will merit to have the Infinite Light of Hashem shined upon both his soul and body.

This is the secret behind the achdus (unity) which is at the core of the Jewish home. As is well-known, Avraham Avinu is called neshamah (the soul)and Sarah Imeinu is called guf (the body). Every marriage is comprised of “man”, who is called neshamah, and “woman”, who is called guf. A deep point lays in this. As we have said already, it is upon to shine the Infinite Light of Hashem upon our neshamah, as well as onto our guf. Where do we get this opportunity? In the home!

When husband and wife are unified, it is like the body and soul unifying, which reveals the Infinite Light of Hashem upon man – including his physical body.

A house has walls, which hints to the boundaries that define a home. A person needs a home to stay in; he needs walls, boundaries, to keep himself inside somewhere, and that is what he considers to be a ‘place’ that can house him. The average person cannot handle being homeless, sleeping every night on park benches, with no walls to protect him and house him.

With a physical house, its walls define it as a home, because it enables boundaries. The boundaries of a place make it into a “place”. This, too, is what expresses the inner perspective towards a Jewish home: setting boundaries. It begins with marriage, and it continues into raising the children. But it is a system of boundaries which enables the Infinite Light of Hashem to shine; when that happens, husband and wife merit to “become one.”

This is the depth behind the words of Chazal, “A man and woman, if they merit it, the Shechinah dwells between them.” It is referring to the Infinite Light of Hashem – the holy Shechinah (His presence).

When does a couple merit the Shechinah? It is not only when they avoid fighting with each other. It is through accepting the boundaries which they need; it is the acceptance of those boundaries which allows the Infinite Light to shine in their home. It enables them to reach the sphere of the unlimited which their souls need, at the same holding onto the physical limits which their souls also need. With those two milestones together, the Infinite Light of Hashem is accessed and then allowed to shine onto them.

These words were not mere sayings or thoughts. It is an actual perspective towards life. These are matters which need a lot of deep reflection to think about, but in essence, they are a way of thinking that enables a person to actually live by, in day-to-day life.

Of course, we cannot reach the full level of this [the Infinite Light] 100%. As Chazal say, “It is not upon you to complete the task” – but along with this, Chazal also say, “But you may not exempt yourself from it.”

This is the way, the direction which the Jewish home can take you, to bring you to shine the light of the Ein Sof: both in soul and in body – which allows the Shechinah to dwell in the home.