Fixing Your Wind - 002 Falsity, Part 2: Dragged After Lying

דע את מידותיך הדרכה מעשית – רוח 002 – מים דעפר דמים

Falsity (Part Two): Dragged After Lying

Water-of-Earth-of-Wind: Dragged After Lying

We continue here to learn about the element of wind, the root of idle speech.  We have begun to explain idle speech stemming from earth-of-wind, which is to speak falsity. Previously, we explained evil speech\falsity that stems from earth within earth-of-wind.

Now, we will discuss words of falsity that stems from water-of-earth-of-wind. This is when a person is dragged after speaking falsity, similar to the nature of water, which can pull and drag things with it.

There are different ways how a person gets dragged after speaking falsehood. There are both external as well as internal reasons for this.

A “World of Falsity” We Live In

Chazal state that when Hashem wanted to create the world, He consulted with the angels, so to speak, and asked them if He should create the world. The trait of emes (truth) said to Hashem: “Don’t create the world, because it is entirely false.” What is the meaning of this? The inner understanding of this is that since the entire Creation conceals the reality of Hashem, Who is the true reality, the entire concept of the Creation is this one big “lie”, because it hides the truth of reality from us.

We won’t discuss this deep concept here, but the simple understanding of this is that the world is full of many lies. A person on this world is pulled after falsity, due to the surroundings that we are affected by. The world is called alma d’shikra, “a world of falsity” – thus, a person is naturally drawn after the surroundings; the surroundings cause us to be drawn after falsity.

“Surroundings” - the sevivah you are in - does not refer specifically to the close surroundings you are in; it refers to the entire world of the generation, which surrounds you and affects you. Since falsity envelopes the entire world, and the entire world affects a person, it follows then that a person is influenced by the falsity of the surroundings.

Falsity Caused By Surroundings

Besides for the above spiritual reason that was given, there is also falsity in a person’s surroundings which a person is simply dragged after. There are a few examples of this.

Here is one example: what we go through in shidduchim (finding a spouse). Imagine if the two sides in every shidduch would give over 100% truthful information about both the boy and the girl; no shidduch would ever happen! If a person is clear that he’s saying the truth, there is no way to be clear that the shidduch is a good shidduch. If a person says only good things about the boy or girl, it sounds like he is exaggerating, so his words are dismissed as being full of fluff.

So whenever we hear information about a shidduch, unless we recognize the person as being very truthful, we know that no one says the exact truth. In fact, if a person would only say the exact truth, people will want to harm him. The constraints of Halacha also do not allow a person to speak the exact truth, because when a person is always being 100% truthful, he hurts people with his words.

When we do research in shidduchim, there are some things that you are allowed not to say; it is not called lying when you do this. It is rather that you are not revealing the truth. But there are some things that we say which, although we may say them, the words need to be said with the right tone of voice and with correct timing in the conversation.

When it comes to this aspect, people add a lot of fluff to their words in order to impress the listener. It kind of forces the speaker into getting dragged after lying.

When We Feel ‘Forced’ To Lie

In the world we live in, we cannot say the exact truth to people when we talk to others. And in fact, if one does say the exact truth all the time, he is being hurtful to others.

Indeed, a person has to give an answer to the person according to what that person wants to hear. Usually, when a person is asking information on a certain shidduch inquiry, he is probably not that concerned with what the truth really is, and he just wants to hear good information about the other side so that the shidduch can happen. Therefore, the one who gets the phone call knows that the caller is awaiting a certain kind of answer that he would like to hear.

Here is a common lie that people make up when asked for information on a shidduch: If someone learns for most of the seder, he is deemed as a “masmid”, and if he learns a little more than that, he’s considered a future Gadol….

Because we live with generic terms like this, we usually respond to questions about shidduchim with certain kinds of false classifications. A person is dragged after the ‘lingo’ of how people think and what people want to hear, and we are often feel forced into this kind of lying, because we know that if we tell the truth as it is, others will want to take revenge against us and harm us. A person is scared to say the truth, because he’s afraid that he’ll get pummeled for it.

And so, we are forced to make up lies in order to satisfy people. But even as one does so, he can feel himself cringing inside, because he knows deep down that he’s getting helplessly dragged after having to lie.

To this we can apply the statement of our Sages: “Woe to me from my Creator, woe to me from my inclination”. Whichever way we turn, we are stuck! How indeed is a person supposed to respond to such calls?

We are given all kinds of situations in life in which it is not possible for us to be totally truthful, even when we want to be truthful. Sometimes, it is permitted according to Halacha to lie, but it still gets us used to a lifestyle of lying on a regular basis; even though they are only small lies. How can we avoid this kind of lying that we feel helplessly dragged after on a regular basis??

Even in situations when you may lie, even when it’s a mitzvah to lie, getting used to lying causes you to not care about talking truthfully. It causes a person to become dominated by falsity.

As an example, a person doesn’t always fill out information correctly when he’s filing for various papers. Or, when one gets a phone call about a shidduch, he gets used to leaving out details, and this causes a person to get used to not being precise.

A person would have to be very truthful to be able to feel how is dragged after falsity all the time. Most people do not feel this, and are so used to lying like this regularly, that they even rationalize it and consider it to be totally acceptable! Even if a person senses that he tends to lie, a person is usually not consciously aware that he’s doing as he’s doing it.

Falsity Caused By Oneself: Talking Excessively & Not Being Precise With Words

We have described here how a person is dragged after conforming to the ‘lingo’ of society, and that is why he doesn’t talk truthfully. That is a problem that caused by one’s external surroundings.

There is also another reason why people are dragged after lying, and it is comes from an internal source: when a person talks excessively and without pause; it gets him used to not being precise with his words.

Even if someone thinks before he talks (which the Ramban says to do), he might still have the habit of yapping about all kinds of subjects. When a person talks a lot, he is usually not being precise with his words.

Two Reasons For This Problem

There are two reasons for this problem:

1) When a person talks a lot, he is not precise with the words coming out of his mouth; he gets used to the lack of precision and he comes to accept this.

2) Another reason is because a person might have a nature to simply talk a lot about things which he has no real knowledge about.

Exploring Reason #2

When a person gives his opinions on every area, even if he knows what he’s talking about, it causes him to lack precision in his wording. He will make up things or distort the information. Also, he feels that he has to know everything, what’s going on all over the world, while in reality, he really doesn’t know anything at all that he’s talking about.

So when a person is used to talking about things he doesn’t know about, first of all, he is not being precise with his words, and secondly, he get used to giving his own opinions, which will cause him to make up information, for he will be dragged after lies; he is getting dragged after lies, because he has gotten used to speaking from an untruthful place in himself.

In fact, most of the conversations in the world today are about things that people don’t really know about!

As an example, there are people who like to “hock” about what’s going on the world of insurance, of finances, of world events, of news about the Yeshiva world… the person who talks about all of these things talks about it as if he knows everything! What does he know? He thinks he knows every detail of all these topics! It gets a person used to being dragged after lying and making up information, because when he talks so much about so many different areas, he is definitely not speaking from a truthful place in himself.

To illustrate, sometimes you can hear young children talking about things they didn’t know about, yet each one is defending his opinion strongly. Sometimes a child knows something because his father told him, but sometimes it is simply because the child thinks that he has his own opinion. How could it be that a person thinks he knows about so many areas of life? It can only be because he is so used to speaking about things he doesn’t know about, and this causes him to get dragged after lack of precision. He will continue to get dragged after more and more falsity.

Lying Stemming From Motives

Another internal reason why a person is “dragged” after falsity has is because he is silently being motivated by something he wants. When a person speaks about a certain thing that he wants to speak about, he won’t be precise in what he talks about, because his motives are taking him over.

For example, a person wants to buy an apartment, and he calls the person in charge, where he is told about all the qualities of the apartment. Is he being told the complete truth? The person trying to sell him the apartment will go on and on about how good the apartment is, and he will only extoll its virtues, and he’s exaggerating as well. And it’s not because he is a very positive-minded person who only knows how to see the good in something….

From the world of business, we can see this concept very well, that the details are lied about or exaggerated.

Another example: a person wants his son to get into a certain yeshivah, or he wants his daughter to get into a seminary. The world is not running after his son or daughter, so it is the father who has to fend for his children and praise them to the world, so that he can give them a good name. Often, the father will exaggerate the praises. Of course, it is not good if the father says the exact truth about his child; that’s the other end of the extreme. But the point is that when a person praises his child to others, he’s not being precise.

Why does a person lie like this? It is because he has a certain desire that he wants, so his mind is leading him towards getting what he wants, and he will even convince himself of what “reality” is, because he wants very badly that reality.

This kind of lying is different than the scenario of one who gets a phone call about a certain shidduch idea and he lies about the information. When it comes to shidduchim, you don’t really know the person well whom you are talking about, and you are forced to give information, and you don’t want to sound like a negative person who speaks badly about people. Therefore, you feel helpless, so you might lie in the information. There is no motive here that is causing you to lie; here, the lying is simply because of the surroundings that exaggerate. It’s not like the person giving information wishes so much that the boy or girl will get married and build a Bayis Neeman B’Yisrael. He talks about the boy or girl in question because he doesn’t want to sound like a person who talks badly about people.

Here, we are discussing a different kind of lying: when there is a certain desire that is motivating the person, which is subconsciously leading him to lie, so that he will get what he wants. It doesn’t make a difference if this is being done consciously or not; either way, the person badly wants something, and that desire is causing him to lie.

With this kind of lying, the person is also being “dragged” after lying. Why he is being dragged after lying? It is because he has some kind of motivation for something, and that is leading him in the direction towards lying, so that he can get what he wants. If you would ask a person if he planned on lying, he would answer in the negative. He ended up saying differently than what he planned, and the reason for this is because he got dragged after lying; he had a certain desire he wanted, which is the real reason why he lied. It can be summed up as a war between what he wants. His yetzer tov is telling him to say the truth, and his yetzer hora is telling him to lie.

Here is another example which is very common. When a person has to do repairs in his house, he calls up the technician and tells him to come at 9 A.M. The technician comes at 9 A.M. and he’s still in middle of davening Shacharis. When the person said it, he planned on doing what he says, but he’s being dragged after a lie. He acquires the bad habit of not being precise in his words, and he gets used to a lifestyle of not caring about being truthful.

The Solution

Now we will speak about how to remedy this habit.

First of all, we must know that it’s impossible to avoid falsity on This World we live, which is called “alma d’shikra”, a world of falsity. We are connected with people who are not truthful, which affects us negatively. So it’s impossible for a person to be 100% truthful as he lives on This World of falsity. What we can do is increase the amount of truth in our life, but we can’t totally avoid falsity.

There are two things to do about this:

1.    Become Aware That You Tend To Be Untruthful In Your Words

First of all, one needs to become aware in the first place that he lies on a regular basis. He should see which areas he tends to lie about. For example, a person can become aware that he lies when it comes to shidduch information.

2.    Before A Conversation, Plan What You Want To Talk About

Once there was a Mashgiach who called me for information about a certain person he was involved with. Afterwards, he told me he needs two minutes to himself to think. I asked him, “What are you thinking about?” He said to me, “When I called you, I didn’t plan on talking about a lot of the things I spoke about with you. I’m wondering which parts of the conversation were the parts that I really wanted to say to you.” This is a truthful kind of person – he thinks to himself what he needs to say, and what he doesn’t need to say.

Thus, if a person thinks and plans beforehand about what exactly he needs to talk about in a conversation, he will have a much better chance at being truthful in the conversation and to avoid getting dragged after lying. Without this preparation, there’s a big chance that a person will end up lying in the conversation. A higher level than this is to think before you talk, as the Ramban says to do; but even if a person is not at that level, he can still plan before he has a conversation exactly about he wants to talk about.

3.    After A Conversation: “How Much Truth and Falsity Did I Say”….?

The next thing to do is that after a person is done his conversations, he should think into the conversation and take notice of the different lies he said.

4.    Let It Bother You That You Had To Lie

And, in addition to this, a person also needs to feel bothered that he didn’t say the exact truth; it should pain him that he wasn’t truthful. If a person isn’t bothered by the lies he says, his trait of falsity will worsen.

Even if a person knows what he will say in a conversation, after the conversation he has to think into what he said which wasn’t that true - and it should bother him.

Herein is the key to becoming a more truthful person: become aware that you tend to lie, plan out what you want to say in a conversation, and let it bother you afterwards that you didn’t tell the exact truth.

Diverging From The Truth Vs. Saying A Total Lie

We are not referring to one who says outright lies; which is bona-fide sheker (falsehood). We are discussing here someone who leaves out some of the truth in his conversations. It is forbidden for a person to lie straight out; even in cases where it is permitted according to Halacha for a person not to tell the total truth, he is still not allowed to lie straight out. On a more subtle note, he is only allowed to diverge slightly from saying the exact truth (in extenuating circumstances), but there is never permission given to say an outright lie.

We are discussing a case in which one diverges from the exact truth in a conversation: that even when this is permitted, it still has to bother a person that he has diverged from the truth.

So after a person is done a conversation, he should mentally review the conversation and ask himself: “What was true about what I said, and what was false in what I said?”

Summary of The Solution

To summarize the way to fix the problem of being dragged after lying:

1) Become aware that you tend to leave out the full truth in your conversations with people.

2) Plan out before a conversation about what you will talk about, so that you will have less of a chance of lying.

3) Even when you do plan your conversations, you won’t be able to totally tell the truth, so that’s why you need the second part of the remedy: After the conversation, review the conversation in your mind and ask yourself which parts of what you said were true, which parts were not true. 4) And, let it bother you that you didn’t say the exact truth.

In this way, even when you are forced to have conversations in which you inevitably don’t tell the truth, you are able to awaken emes, the power in your soul to be truthful, after you have had the conversation.

The Deep Perspective Towards Life: Nothing Your Hear Is 100% True!

If a person is very self-aware, he can absorb the following deeper point.

There is no way to investigate into everything we hear and read, to see if it’s true or not; there is not enough time in our schedule to do this. Rather, what a person can do is to train himself not to believe anything he hears or reads. Just like there is a halacha that you are not allowed to believe lashon hora that you hear, so too, you can train yourself not to believe everything you hear. You can definitely suspect that the information you are hearing is true, but don’t ever believe everything with 100% certainty.

This is a deep perspective to have towards life: You can suspect, but you don’t have to believe. We aren’t able to investigate the total truth; sometimes we can get closer to the truth, but most of the time, we aren’t able to even get close to the truth of a matter. The reason for this is simple: we are always missing information. We only see half the picture in whatever we come across, or we are simply just missing important details.

When it comes to hearing words of Torah, we need to search for true understanding it, and to keep refining the truth. But when it comes to anything else we hear, we need to train ourselves not to believe what we hear. We can suspect that what we hear is true, but we can’t believe it with certainty. Anything we hear is possibly not true; nothing is concrete!

Often a person believes and accepts right away what he hears. But the inner way to live life is to never accept everything you hear with certainty. When you train yourself to get used to this kind of perspective, you are a lot closer to being truthful.

For example: If someone tells you he’s coming to your house at 9 AM, maybe he will come - and maybe he won’t. It’s not definite that he will show up at 9 AM just because he told you he would.

This is not an issue of working on your emunah. It is simply because the information you hear in never exactly precise, so don’t accept anything you hear with 100% certainty.

When you train yourself to get used to this kind of thinking, you gain doubly: besides for feeling bothered at falsity, you will also live all the time with a need for truth, and you will be aware all the time that you live in a world of falsity.

In Conclusion

We have explained here the root of falsity that is caused by being “dragged” after falsity, and how we can train ourselves to awaken truth in ourselves, which can prevent us from getting dragged after falsity.