Hisboddedus Preparation - 007 Becoming Aware of Our Actions

Three Methods of Internal Calmness: Using Our Senses, Using Our Imagination, and Silencing Our Worst Middah

With Hashem’s help, we discussed previously how we can attain inner calmness in both the physical and spiritual sense.

Let’s return to discuss a certain fundamental point. We have already discussed how to calm ourselves through our senses. We also described a method using imagination to calm ourselves down. The special series of classes that was devoted entirely on using imagination Getting.To.Know.Your.Imagination [1] explained how to use imagination to attain inner quiet.

There is also another way to calm ourselves down which we only mentioned briefly. The first shiur in Fixing Sadness[2]  explained how to find out what our worst middah is in order to calm that middah. All of us have one particular bad middah which mainly deters us from growing. The four main bad middos are arrogance (rooted in our element of fire), idle speech (rooted in our element of wind), evil desires (rooted in our element of water), and laziness/sadness (rooted in our element of earth). We need to try and locate what our most dominant bad middah is, and then we need to calm that particular middah, so that it won’t continue to get in the way of our avodah.

The Three Tools We Need For Hisbodedus: Inner Sight, Inner Recognition, and Inner Listening

We will now return to discussing what the goal of hisbodedus is and how to start the avodah of hisbodedus. As we have emphasized in the past, hisbodedus is not mainly about making a cheshbon hanefesh (soul-accounting, or self-introspection)[3] or about davening to Hashem during this time. Nor is it about thanking Hashem. Although these things are truthful actions we need to do, these things are not the goal of hisbodedus.

The inner goal of hisbodedus, is:
firstly, to develop habatah (inner sight);
secondly to develop hakarah (inner recognition), and,
thirdly, to develop hakshavah (inner listening).

The Eight Steps In Hisbodedus

1. We need to first see, recognize and listen to what’s going on in our physical body – which is to clearly understand the actions that we do.
2. We also need to see, recognize and listen to the more inner layers of our self – which is our speech.
3. Beyond that, we also need to see, recognize and listen to our thoughts. So we need to realize why we say certain things, and why we think certain things; we have to become aware of our speech and thoughts.
4. After being aware of our actions, speech and thoughts, we need to become aware of our emotions – again, through using our three abilities of inner sight, inner recognition, and inner listening.
5. After working to become aware of our emotions, we progress to becoming aware of the more inner layers embedded in ourselves: to our subconscious (tat-hakarah).
6. then to go above our conscious (al-hakarah), and
7. after that, to our actual essence (havayah).
8. The final step is to become aware of even what’s beyond our essence, which is our closeness with Hashem.

Altogether, we have described eight steps, which are like rungs in a ladder that we need to climb, step-by-step.

We cannot skip any of these steps; we must begin from the bottom and work our way upwards.

People tend to skip, starting out their hisbodedus with cheshbon hanefesh or tefillah, but this is erroneous, because cheshbon hanefesh and tefillah are examples of later stages, while we need to start with awareness of our actions. We must go in the order of these eight rungs in the ladder which we have presented. Each of these levels is more and more inward towards our inner self, and the eventual goal will be to reach d’veykus (attachment) with Hashem.

We might become flustered when we hear this and feel that it’s too hard and overwhelming, despairing that we will never get to our goal. It is indeed challenging, and it takes a long time to get to the goal – but for this very reason, Hashem gave us an average lifespan of seventy or eighty years. We can have a long time to be able to work on all this!

Stage One In The Ladder: Awareness Of Our Actions

With the help of Hashem, let us now start with the first step, which is to become aware of our actions. We need three abilities in order to become aware of our actions: inner sight, inner recognition, and inner listening.

Before we actually begin to explain this, we will mention an introductory point. There are some people who do not enjoy sitting alone perhaps because they went through something traumatizing when they were children, which took place when they were alone. For example, a child was left alone somewhere by his parents one time, and the experience was so traumatizing to the child that the child developed a fear of being alone. If this is the case, the person starting out hisbodedus will have to fix his past trauma by re-experiencing the trauma in his mind, and then to “go back in time” and fix it.[4]  A person should go to a therapist to tackle their past trauma.

If someone didn’t have a childhood trauma, yet is still afraid of being alone, he can get used to being alone for five minutes a day by, for example, putting on light music in the background.

After this, a person can begin to make a cheshbon hanefesh on the actions he did that day – both the good and bad things he has done.  But this will require the three abilities we mentioned in the beginning: inner sight, recognition, and listening [which we will soon explain].

Usually, when a person makes a cheshbon hanefesh, he simply thinks of his actions. For example, a person bentched (recited Bircas HaMazon) that day, and he’s thinking if he bentched with kavanah or not. But this is not the inner kind of cheshbon hanefesh; it is only beginning to scratch the surface. (“Cheshbon” comes from the word “choishev” – to think – but it is more than just simply thinking.)

The inner way to use the method of cheshbon hanefesh is that when you’re thinking of the actions you did that day, you should imagine it clearly and then analyze what you have done. We should also attempt to relive the situation in our minds and then see how we could have done it better. This is called habatah, “inner sight” – when we actually see into the actions we have done.

The next step is when you’re reliving the experience, imagine that you are looking at yourself as an outsider. This seems to be like your regular imagination, but it’s more than just imagination. It is a power that we have to go above our consciousness, and we can access it when we look at ourselves from the outside.

For example, when you watch a video of yourself you notice new things about yourself since you’re seeing yourself from outside of yourself, and it offers you a whole new kind of view. So close your eyes and relive how you acted throughout the day, and imagine that you’re watching a video of yourself, noticing what you did and how you can improve. This is a subtle matter, and some people find it easier than others to do, while others will find this harder.

Another way of how we can implement this is if we would watch a video of ourselves when we are sleeping. This would help us identify with the subtle concept we are describing: seeing “ourselves” from “above” ourselves.

There is a third example that can help us understand the concept: when you are at a wedding and you see the dancing, imagine yourself dancing in the circle, and how you would act. This is another example that can help us identify with the concept of seeing “ourselves” from “above” ourselves.

Summary of Making A Cheshbon HaNefesh On Our Actions

To summarize, the first step of cheshbon hanefesh is to simply think what we did. The next step is habatah, to “see” what we’ve done – to imagine the scene vividly. The next step is hakarah, inner recognition, which is to see ourselves from the outside which gives us a deeper understanding of what we did. The final step is hakshavah, to “listen” in an inner way to what you did by trying to discern your motivations in the act that you did.

These matters may sound very new to us, and we might get overwhelmed when we are introduced to these deep concepts. A child as well gets frustrated when he is being taught new topics, but the more we teach the child about the material, the more he gets used to it, and then he begins to understand. So the more we get used to hearing about these concepts, the more we will be able to identify with them as time goes on.

To summarize what we said so far in a way that will help us practically:

1. Step One is to spend five minutes a day alone with ourselves.
2. Step Two is to write down a cheshbon hanefesh of everything we did that day; write down all the good deeds and bad deeds which you did that day.
3. Step Three is to use our abilities of habatah, hakarah, and hakshavah (as we explained).

The later steps which we have begun to mention (speech, thought, emotion, subconscious, above-conscious, essence of the soul, and ultimate closeness to Hashem) are beyond the scope of the current discussion, and we will progress to those stages after this class.

Right now, we are working on the first step, which is to become aware of our actions. The previous six shiurim were all an introduction to the current class, and the purpose of those classes were to help us attain inner quiet. Without inner quiet, we can’t even begin hisbodedus at all – not even the first stage (awareness of our actions) because inner quiet is the required prerequisite to hisbodedus.

Each step takes time. It is a slow process. May we all merit to reach more and more inward, and that we should eventually merit the final goal of all this – to reach true d’veykus (ultimate closeness with Hashem).

***

Questions And Answers With The Rav

QUESTION: When I do cheshbon hanefesh, I become sad with myself, because I see that I have mostly bad things in myself. How can I stop being so negative about myself and begin to see myself as mostly good?

ANSWER: Try not to focus on any of your negative qualities and remain focused on your positive aspects. If this doesn’t help, you can think the following: Who gave you all your shortcomings? Hashem gave those very shortcomings to you. Realize that even your weaknesses come from Hashem; you will then find that you look at your shortcomings in a different light.

QUESTION: I understand that it’s all from Hashem, but my difficulty with this is that all of my shortcomings have developed in me due to all my sins!

ANSWER: Do you only do bad things? Do you only make evil choices? We go through countless decisions each day; if you analyze your day well, you will discover that you are mostly choosing good throughout the day.

QUESTION: Besides for using imagination as we do hisbodedus to relive our deeds throughout the day, is this supposed to carry over into how we actually act throughout the day as well, that we need to this as well as we are acting throughout the day?

ANSWER: Yes. The first step is to use this power of inner sight just during hisbodedus, so you can become aware of what you did during the day in a clearer way. The eventual goal of this is so that the way we act throughout the day will become improved as well.

QUESTION: Is it better to do hisbodedus before we daven in the morning or after?

ANSWER: This is hard to answer, because it depends on the person. If a person feels that he will daven better if he does hisbodedus beforehand, then he should do so, but if he feels that hisbodedus will tire him out too much and then he won’t be able to daven well, then he should not do hisbodedus before davening.

QUESTION: How does the Rav’s approach here of “cheshbon hanefesh” coincide with Sefer Cheshbon HaNefesh (according to the explanation I have seen from Rav Dessler zt”l) which seems to take a different approach than the Rav’s?

ANSWER: The sefer Cheshbon HaNefesh is describing the higher levels of cheshbon hanefesh, such as analyzing our ratzon (will). This class was about the initial step, which comes way before that. [The later classes will discuss the higher levels of cheshbon hanefesh].