Inner World of the Bas Yisrael - 003 Beginning to Go Within

(Summary of Previous Chapter: In the previous chapter it was explained, with siyata d’shmaya, about four different kinds of relationships one has: 1) The relationship one has to those who are above a person. This includes one’s relationship with the Creator, one’s bond to the Torah, the bond one has to his or her parents, and the bond one shares with his Rav or teachers – anyone whom he receives from spiritually. 2) The relationship one has with those who are parallel to him or her – such as a spouse, and a friend. 3) The relationship one has with oneself. 4) The relationship one has towards those who are below him (such as one’s children, or students).

(It was also explained, briefly, that all relationships can be divided into one of two types: Outward relationships, and inward relationship. Outward relationships are the relationships we have with others. Inward relationship is the relationship one has towards his or herself – to one’s very own pnimiyus (inner world).)

Understanding Our “Outward” Relationships

Let’s first explore more about our outward relationships. These the relationships one has towards those above him, towards those who are parallel to him, and towards those who are below him.

Certainly, on an inner level, these relationships are meaningful and they can be filled with inner content. But on the external level, these relationships are usually perceived of as external, outside of the person. Even when our relationship with another is very strong, most of us can consciously feel that these relationships are essentially “external” to us – they are on our outside.

We can see how this is true by using the examples given in the previous lesson. The first bond we mentioned is the bond that one has with above oneself, which is the bond that one has with the Creator. At a very inner and hidden level, all of the souls of the Jewish people are integrated and one with the Creator, so to speak. Chazal state, “Hashem and Yisrael are one.”[1] But most people, either on the intellectual level or on the emotional level, view their bond with the Creator as something that is “outside” of them. The average mindset of a person is: “There is a Creator, and there is me. I can connect with the Creator, I can yearn for Him, I can ask things from Him.” In other words, at best, a person perceives his bond with the Creator as something that is outside of him.

A person also views his relationships with his parents and role models as “outer” forces to him, whether in the spiritual sense or in the material sense. Although a person may feel a strong bond with parents, for it is a natural bond that exists between parent and child, it is still felt by a person on an external level. One views his or her parents as people who exist “outside” of him or her.

It is the same with those who are parallel to a person: the relationship between husband and wife, and the relationships that exist between friends. Of the marital bond, the Torah says that the wife is “bond of my bond, flesh of my flesh”[2] to the husband, and this can become a very strong bond of love that is true and genuine. Even so, the conscious feeling which spouses have towards each other, in most cases, is that the other spouse exists on the “outside” of him or her.

And, finally, the relationship that one has towards his children are also viewed as “outside” of the person. Although children are a part of the parents, the bond that parents have with their children is experienced as connecting outward.

Thus, all relationships that one has with others are consciously experienced as an outward kind of bond: to connect to that which is outside of one’s self. In contrast to this, there is a third kind of bond which we mentioned, and it is the bond that one has with his or her own self. A person can consciously feel that one’s relationship with his or her very self is more of an inward kind of connection. Although this would appear to be obvious – since a person’s relationship with his own self is by definition an inward kind of connection – we will soon explain that this is not always so simple.

To summarize, any relationship that one has with others whether they are above him, below him, or parallel to him, are felt as outward kinds of connection. Another kind of relationship is the relationship that one has with something that is part of him, and this is the relationship that one has with his own inner essence.

The Only True Bond Is With Oneself

It’s clear to anyone who thinks a little bit that any of our relationships with others can never be a complete bond. The only genuinely complete connection that one can have is with one’s inner world, with one’s inner self.

In the beginning of a person’s life, a person tries to form relationships with others. He connects outward. This is, indeed, a crucial stage in one’s spiritual development. However, eventually, a person must arrive at an inward kind of relationship. We do not mean that one should only have a good relationship with himself. Rather, we mean that one needs to form an internal relationship with HaKadosh Baruch Hu, and also with those who are above him, parallel to him, and below him. But, from all of these relationships, it is understandably easier for a person to form a more internal bond with his own self.

Although it seems obvious that the relationship which one has with himself is by definition an internal kind of bond – because it is a relationship with oneself – upon some clearer and subtler reflection, one can discover that his relationship with himself can actually be very superficial. In fact, most people only have a superficial relationship with themselves, and they do not know of an inner relationship with themselves. When one’s relationship with himself is only superficial, he will also relate to those above him superficially, and he will also have a superficial relationship to those parallel to him and to those below him. If this is how a person lives his life and ends it that way, he has lived a very superficial life, and he has not merited reaching the inner world which all of the souls of the Jewish people yearn for.

Let us now explain at this point the difference between a superficial relationship with oneself, and an inner relationship with oneself.

Identifying Oneself Based On The Physical Body

The coarsest perspective one can have towards himself is when he identifies himself as a physical body. This is when a person thinks that my “I” is my physical body, i.e. my bodily shape and the way I look, etc. We will not even deal with that perspective here. Here we will assume that the person reading this has already left that grossly superficial perspective, and that the reader has already come to the recognition that our physical body is not who we truly are. We will assume here that those reading this identify with their existence as a soul, with all its different parts. Let us begin this discussion by stating that our soul has parts to it, with some parts being more external and superficial, and other parts to the soul which are inner.

The Desires of Our Soul

Which part of our souls do we identify with?

When a child is born, he has very little awareness of his own presence. He almost has no conscious awareness. As the child gets older and matures, the child slowly begins to become aware of himself.

In the very beginning stages of self-awareness, a person begins to identify with his retzonos (desires and wishes). Every one of us has certain desires and wishes, and this is known as the soul’s faculty of ratzon (will). We can consciously identify with the force of ratzon in our souls, from the earliest stages of our life. For example, a child wants to nurse, wants to sleep, and wants to be loved. When a child gets bigger, he wants to play and he wants to go to certain places, etc. Although a child is not aware that he has a full list of desires and wishes which he is pursuing, the fact is that he is going through all of these many different retzonos.

When a child gets a bit older, he begins to gain more self-awareness, based on what he wants, consciously or subconsciously. At this childhood stage, one thinks that “I” am what “I want”. A child is constantly saying, “I want this. I want that…” Therefore, a child perceives himself based on what he wants. The child relates to himself based on how he relates to what he wants.

It is very possible that this childhood perception will continue well into adulthood, and a person might even end his life at this childhood perception of self-concept – unless he does the work of clarifying that there is an entirely different dimension that he can uncover in himself.

One needs to mature past the aforementioned childhood perspective. One must learn realize that if his entire self-identification is based on what he desires and wants, this is a superficial relationship with oneself, and it is not an inner relationship with oneself. Why?

As it’s known, every person encounters all kinds of desires and wishes that he has, throughout the many different stages of life, and these desires change and alternate. A child wants certain things, and when the child becomes a teenager, now he will want different things. Then, at adulthood, he has a list of completely different desires and wishes on his list, and the list of wishes changes again after marriage.

The retzonos of a person constantly change and alternate. Therefore, our retzonos do not define our very inner self. If our retzonos would be the definition of our self, then we can liken this to cutting off our hands and feet each time that we want different things. Clearly, our desires do not define us. At our core, we do not change. It is just that our desires change. Our desires can be viewed as “garments” that clothe our soul. They are not the soul itself. That is why a person will want one thing in the morning and he will want something else at night. It can be likened to a person removing his clothing he wore in the morning, and putting on different clothing at night.

We shall emphasize that we are not speaking now of the very inner ratzon of the soul, but of the various things that a person wants. The various wants and desires of a person are not part of the essence of the soul. They are just “garments” atop the soul.

That is why if a person identifies himself based on what he wants, his relationship towards himself is superficial. It is a relationship with the garments of his soul, which are constantly changing and alternating. While it’s true that identifying oneself based on one’s desires is comparatively a more inner kind of relationship than identifying oneself based on one’s body, in spite of this, identifying oneself based on what one wants cannot be called one’s own inner world.

It has been explained so far, until this point, that the connection one feels with his body and with his personal desires and wishes are all superficial kinds of connections. Although one’s wants and wishes come from the soul, they are not the soul itself, but “garments” of the soul. Now we shall explain what a true inner connection is to oneself.

But first, we should introduce the discussion by mentioning that there are many different layers in one’s inner world. More and more inner layers can keep being uncovered in one’s soul. The innermost layer of the soul is the very havayah (existence) of the person. At this point, however, we will begin to understand a layer of the soul that is closer within the reach of most people.

The Uniqueness of Each Soul

Chazal state, “Just as all their faces are different, so are all their ways of thinking different.”[3] In this statement, Chazal are saying that no two people are alike. Each person has his own unique physical appearance as well as his own, unique ways of thinking. Included in one’s uniqueness are the unique personality traits in one’s soul, which do not exist in another’s soul. Chazal also state, “Therefore, man was created individual”[4]. This doesn’t simply mean that Adam HaRishon was the only person at the beginning of Creation and that later, more people came after him. Rather, the depth of this statement is that even though there are a countless amount of people in the world, numbering in the billions, each person has his own individual world of his own soul, which he alone is unique in. And he will always remain unique, in those aspects.

Certainly, a prominent part of one’s uniqueness is expressed in one’s unique personality traits. Each person has a unique personality, with certain traits of the soul, which are a part of him and which are unchanging. Although a person is able to balance out his personality and make changes in his soul makeup – which is in fact a person’s avodah of revealing more of his soul and attaining a balance in his soul – still, the actual traits of one’s soul never change.

So when we speak here about an inner relationship that one can have with his own self, the fundamental example of this is one’s personality traits. When one recognizes his personality traits and he is happy with what he finds about himself, “rejoicing in his lot”, he is able to form a genuine relationship with himself. This is the true relationship that one can have with oneself – an inner kind of relationship, as opposed to as an external, superficial kind of relationship.

Summary

Let us now summarize the points of this lesson so far.

There is a very superficial way of relating to oneself, which is based on the identification that has with his or her physical body. In this lesson, we did not deal with this perspective, because it is from a very low level of self-perception which isn’t worth our time to discuss.

We mainly delved into another kind of superficial self-relationship with exists: when one relates to himself based on his various wants and desires. This is when identifies himself based on what he wants, and in that way, he feels connected to himself. Although this is a more inner relationship with oneself than identifying with one’s body, it is still a superficial relationship towards oneself. This is because the desires of a person are only the “garments” of the soul, and not the soul itself.

The third kind of relationship with oneself mentioned, which is the entranceway to our inner world, is the relationship that one has with himself based on knowing his unique personality traits that are in his soul. The personality traits of the soul do not change. They only change in the sense that they have varying degrees of how they are manifested and how they are balanced with other traits of the soul. The more a person recognizes the personality traits in his soul and he becomes connected with these traits, to that degree, a person will develop a relationship towards himself which is unchanging and intrinsic. This is how one connects to one’s own inner world.

Self-Recognition – Through Recognizing Our Unique Personality Traits

As we already stated, in order for a person to develop an inner relationship with his or her own self, one needs to become aware of his or her personality traits. This doesn’t just mean that one should know them on a general level, but to know them clearly. The better one recognizes them - along with being happy with the personality traits that Hashem has given him or her personally – to that extent will a person become more connected to his or her self. This avodah, of recognizing one’s personality traits, is very fundamental.

We shall emphasize at this point that although a person has an avodah to do inner self-work, before one can actually do this, one needs to first undergo a preliminary and fundamental stage: one needs to recognize and clarify his or her personality traits. The more a person clarifies this and attains better self-recognition, the more tools he or she will gain in being able to do any self-work. One can only start active avodah with himself after he has attained some recognition of himself. If one doesn’t have any self-recognition, he may perceive his avodah of self-improvement with a general attitude of “I need to become someone who serves Hashem”, but he will be off-mark. A more accurate method of self-work is when one first develops self-recognition, and as one’s self-recognition develops further and becomes clearer, one’s inner self-work will be more precise.

That is why the beginning lessons of this series emphasized the avodah of self-recognition. It is so that we can first have the basis for the practical self-work that we will be explaining in the coming chapters, with the help of Hashem.

The Steps of Self-Recognition

The avodah of recognizing ourselves consists of steps. In order for us to follow a developed approach in our avodah, without skipping any necessary points, we will need to follow a step-by-step approach.

In the previous lesson, the avodah was to identify and clarify our different relationships which are “outside” of us: those above us, those parallel to us, and those who are below us – and anyone else in-between. Included in this is to become clear about which of these relationships is our strongest. That was the beginning of the avodah in recognizing ourselves. In this lesson, we are explaining the second step of this avodah of self-recognition, which is to analyze the inward relationship that we have with our own self. This includes becoming aware of our desires, as well as becoming aware of our personality traits.

Before we proceed to the stage of recognizing our personality traits, which is the inner kind of self-recognition, we first need to become aware of a more elementary kind of self-recognition: to become aware of our desires and wishes. While this is a more superficial kind of self-awareness, in comparison to recognizing our personality, is still a basic step of self-awareness which we will first need to traverse, in order to get to the more inner stage of self-recognition. Of course, the purpose is not to remain at the awareness of our desires. It is only because we are trying to pass through this stage, so that we can get to the more inner stage. We can liken it to passing through a hallway of a palace, so that we can get to the palace hall, which is the goal.

Therefore, the practical avodah of this lesson is that we should become aware of our retzonos (desires and wishes). We should know clearly that a fundamental part of self-recognition is when we become aware of what we want.

Practically Recognizing Our Desires

Each of us has many desires. Some of them we are aware of, and some of them we are less aware of. We need to become clear about all of our desires. Therefore, it is recommended to do the following.

Firstly, each person should take a paper and pen and write down all of things that he wants. Understandably, it is impossible for a person to be aware of everything that he wants, but each person should do this on his own level, and write down all of the things he is aware of that he wants. (Since these lessons are being given on a monthly basis, it is recommended that a person do this throughout the span of one month.)

When a person has some quiet time, she will definitely be able to identify some of the things that he wants, and write them down. Throughout the rest of the day as well, whenever one feels a desire for something, which she was previously not conscious of, she should add it to his list. Slowly as a person continues like this, one will reveal more and more desires that until now were only in his subconscious, which she had never paid attention to. Now one will be becoming more and more aware of the various desires that were deep in her subconscious, writing them down on a list, until the list contains 20 different desires, or more. One can also divide the list between “spiritual desires” and “material desires”. Alternatively, one can divide the list between “good desires” and “bad desires”.

Secondly, after one has written down this list of retzonos, the next step is to try to “prioritize” the list, by writing down of these retzonos is the strongest, which is second-to-strongest, which is third-to-strongest, etc.

We shall emphasize at this point that although a person may want the list to look different, one needs to be genuine with herself and write down which of her retzonos is right now her number one priority, and which of her retzonos is right now her second-to-most important, etc. Although a person must also be aware of his or her aspirations, one also needs to be aware of his or her personal level right now. One must know: “What level am I on, right now?”

We have so far laid out two steps in clarifying our retzonos. The first step is: to identify and write down all of your existing retzonos, throughout the period of a month. Don’t do this all at once, because you are not able to become consciously aware of all of your retzonos so quickly. This needs to be a gradual process, of continuously adding on more and more of your retzonos to the list. As mentioned, it is impossible to become aware of all of them, but each person on his or her own level should try to become aware of many different retzonos that he or she has. The second step is that after you have made this list, you should try to figure out which is your strongest desire, which is your second-to-strongest, etc.

As mentioned earlier, most people identify themselves based on what they want. Therefore, the more a person clarifies what he wants, and the order of priority which he places on his various desires, one begins to identify and recognize more the relationship that he has towards himself. Although this stage of self-recognition is not yet the goal of self-recognition, it is an elementary stage which one needs to first traverse.

When one becomes aware of what she wants the most, she becomes aware of his strongest factor of her current level of self-recognition. One can keep becoming aware of her various retzonos, and when one feels which of her retzonos is the most intense, she has identified the area in which she feels the most connected to herself. The clearer a person becomes about what her retzonos are, and on which retzonos she places the most priority on, the better she will understand the current relationship that she has with herself.